This week is World Breastfeeding Week. When all other mothers in the world are taking this time to reflect on how much they love breastfeeding and how wonderful breastfeeding truly is, I would like to take the time to reflect on how much I hated breastfeeding with this list I composed called -
10 Reasons Why Breastfeeding Sucks
(my worst nightmare)
10) Breastfeeding changes the shape of your boobs. If your boobs were ever perky, they wont be anymore after breastfeeding. Unless, of course, you pay a plastic surgeon to cut off the bottom third of each breast and sew them back together. This surgery can be costly, anywhere from $5000 - $10,000, depending on whether or not you decide to see a plastic surgeon who operates in a third world country.
9) In order to breastfeed, you have to spend alot of time sitting doing nothing. Newborns need to eat every 2 hours and each feeding lasts on average 30-60 minutes. This translates to roughly 8-12 hours of breastfeeding per 24 hour period. 8 -12 HOURS. SHOOT. ME. NOW.
8) The Human Pacifier Effect. Breastfeeding will become your baby's preferred method of soothing himself. This means that sometimes when your baby is really upset, the only way to get him to calm down will be to stick your nipple in his mouth. Forget handing him off to someone else. He wants your boobies and he wants them now!
7)Nursing Bras. They don't offer any support. And if you happen to find one that actually does it will be the ugliest bra you have ever seen in your entire life.
6)Loss of dignity. If you plan on breastfeeding and sustaining a social life at the same time you will have to go out in public with your baby. At some point in your journey, usually at the most inconvenient point (Murphy's Law), your baby will get hungry and want to breastfeed. You will have to unlatch your non-supportive nursing bra, pull out your engorged boob and stick it in your babies mouth all without the comforting privacy of your child's nursery. At first you will feel embarrassed and try to seek out private and dark places to feed your child, but as places like these are generally few and far between and generally offer only the most uncomfortable seating, you will resort, out of sheer desperation, to doing these things right in front of all your friends and their husbands with only a flimsy nursing cover for privacy.
5)Boob leakage. If you happen to find someone silly enough to accept the challenge of babysitting your nipple obsessed baby and you are able to go to the grocery store without him, do not assume that just because your baby isn't with you that you are free from the challenges of breastfeeding. Your boobs do not care if that baby crying in the grocery store is not your baby. To your boobs, that sounds just like your baby. Your boobs will respond by springing a leak. Goodbye baby, hello wet t shirt.
4)Increased Thirstage. Imagine you are hiking through the Sahara Dessert, in a snow suit, during a sand storm. Think about how thirsty you would be and times that by 10. Thats how thirsty breastfeeding makes you.
3)Your husband will either become disgusted or obsessed with your new milk spouting boobs. Neither is good for your sex life.
2)Nipples are not for biting. But try explaining that to your teething 6 month old. Your baby WILL bite your nipples. If you are lucky you'll survive with just some soreness. If you are unlucky you may end up in the E.R. where a nice doctor will reattach your nipple with 17 stitches. This happened to someone I know!
1)Bruised, cracked, and bleeding nipples. Need I say more? For those of you who aren't convinced yet, let me add Mastitis and Thrush to the list. Google that!
Hats off to all the mothers who voluntarily put up with this crap. You guys are awesome!
Happy Breastfeeding Week!
